There it is again. You can feel it between the two of you. It’s this feeling of being drawn deeper into something delicious and scary. You want to follow the feeling but you’re also afraid of what it might reveal. You wonder if you’re getting a deep emotional connection with the other person but you aren’t sure if you are the only one feeling it. How can you tell, anyway? What does it mean to be emotionally intimate with someone and why is it enticing and fearful all at once? And how do you grow or maintain emotional intimacy in a relationship?
What Does it Mean to Have a Deep Emotional Connection with Someone?
Emotional intimacy takes place when we open ourselves up to another person at a deep level. It requires a leap of faith and a lot of trust that our partner will not willingly harm us with the information that we share about ourselves. We all have things we wouldn’t share with other people, yet it is a natural human longing to be fully known as we are and fully loved in spite of it. This is why we take the risk of sharing things that make us vulnerable to rejection or abuse should our partner choose not to honour our trust. Some of the things we might share include:
- Secrets about our past such as family trauma, abuse, or things we’ve done wrong
- Our deepest feelings
- Fragile hopes and dreams that we feel others wouldn’t understand
- Future plans that others might tear down or reject
- Our inner world of imagination
- Our faults and flaws
- Anything that makes us appear weak or vulnerable
- Secrets we are ashamed of
What Happened When Elise Opened up to Jay
When Elise met Jay, she felt a connection with him that she had never experienced before. She wanted more … but she was also scared, with good reason. She was date-raped on her first date at the age of 15 by the 18 year old she went out with.
“I wasn’t ready,” she says. “And he wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
That ended her attempts at dating for the next 10 years. She threw herself into study and work and largely avoided male attention. Occasionally she went on a group date but in the back of her mind, she was terrified of being alone with a man. Counselling helped, but she still wasn’t ready for any kind of a relationship.
“Then I met Jay. There was something different about him. It was a feeling of kindness or thoughtfulness. I sensed that I could trust him,” Elise says.
Trusting didn’t come easily. Elise fought a daily battle with wanting to run from any kind of connection with Jay.
“But he was patient and persistent. He knew without me saying anything that I was struggling to trust him. And he was determined to get to the bottom of that.”
Finally, Elise gathered up enough courage to tell Jay about her past.
“When I told Jay about the rape and my struggles with relationships since that time, he cried because he could see how much it had damaged my life. His reaction helped me to heal because I finally had someone who saw the worst of me but still loved me anyway.”
Signs of Emotional Connection that Will Leave You Craving More
How do you know the emotional chemistry is real? Check out these delicious signs that will leave you wanting more:
1. You feel like you “get” each other
Feeling understood and accepted for who you are is a vital part of any relationship. When you have a growing emotional connection with another person, this is one of the first signs that something deeper is happening. It is an enticing feeling that leaves you wanting to know more about the other person because you understand each other.
2. You’re comfortable talking about anything
Ever had that best friend that you could talk to about anything and nothing was off-limits? Emotional connection in friendship is similar to what happens in an emotionally comfortable relationship: You can talk about anything. You know you are becoming emotionally intimate when you can have those conversations that you wouldn’t have with anyone else.
3. You value the other person’s opinion
In a deepening emotional connection, you value what the other person thinks about many different things, including controversial topics that you wouldn’t necessarily discuss with other people. Even opinions or advice about everyday matters are something you value.
4. Emotional Attraction Comes Before Physical Attraction
In an emotionally intimate setting, emotional connection often precedes physical attraction. You need both for a complete and healthy relationship. But when you are attracted to someone because of their mind or personality, it’s a sign that your relationship is growing a closer emotional connection.
5. You listen to each other
Feeling heard and understood is a powerful building block for emotional intimacy. When you care about someone, you want to listen to them talk about what matters to them and it matters to you too because of what they mean to you. In a healthy, equal relationship, they will do the same for you.
6. You know you can trust each other
Trust is a crucial foundation of emotional intimacy. When you know that you can trust the other person with your deepest secrets and that you will stand up for each other, it’s a sure sign that your emotional connection is going well.
7. You respect each other
No relationship is free from conflict at all times. There will be times that you disagree. But in a relationship with a deep emotional connection, there is still an underlying respect for each other even if you disagree or argue. Beneath the surface, you still love each other and believe in all the reasons you got together in the first place. You recognize that arguments are not the end of the relationship and that you will repair the damage and continue to love each other. This is a sign of a mature relationship with a high level of emotional intimacy.
How to Tell if You have a Deep Emotional Connection with a Man
Women are usually more emotionally open than men because they are generally better at recognizing and processing emotions. Men tend to resort to logic first, which can be confusing for a woman who is wondering how he feels and where she stands with him. Having said that, an emotionally healthy man who is ready for a relationship does desire an emotional connection. It might just take him a bit longer to figure out what he wants. Check out these signs to tell if you are getting an emotional connection with him:
1. He is considerate and often puts your happiness first
In any healthy relationship, the partners consider each other’s happiness and will often put the other person’s interests ahead of their own. If your man is doing this for you, it’s a sign that he is thinking about you and caring for you.
2. Silence is comfortable
When you can experience silence comfortably together and you don’t feel the need to talk to fill up the space, it’s a sign that you are emotionally comfortable with each other. If either of you is uncomfortable with silence, it could mean that your emotional connection is still superficial.
3. He respects you
Respect is important to a man and when he respects you, it tells you a lot about how he feels towards you. For him, respect means that he will be careful not to do or say things that will hurt or embarrass you.
4. He talks to you when things go wrong
When he talks to you about problems he’s having or wants to let off steam after a bad day, it means that he values your opinion and trusts you. There are most likely other people he could talk to but he’s chosen you because you have an emotional connection.
5. He wants to spend time with you
If you always seem to be waiting for your man to spare some time to be with you, it’s a sign that you don’t have a deep emotional connection. When a man is emotionally attracted to you, he is happy to spend time with you and looks forward to your conversations. He also likes to listen to you talk about what matters to you.
6. Little details are important to him
You can be sure that you have an emotional connection when he remembers little details about you. It means that they are important to him because you are. They are likely to be things that others wouldn’t remember or find important such as your favourite colour or flower or the food you like best.
Your Emotional Connection with a Woman: Is it real?
If you’ve met an attractive woman and would like the relationship to go deeper, how do you know if there is a genuine emotional connection? Navigating the complex world of a woman’s emotions can be tricky for guys, but here are some clues that you’re headed in the right direction:
1. You actively listen to each other
Communication is vitally important in a healthy relationship and for most women, even more so. Active listening means that she is present when you are talking and vice versa. You listen to each other with the goal of understanding what the other person is saying. Rephrasing each other’s words ensures that you understand the message. You maintain eye contact while you are talking and you don’t allow distractions such as your phone to derail the conversation. Genuine conversation is a crucial building block of emotional connection.
2. She is authentic with you
Nothing builds emotional connection like authenticity. When a woman is her natural self around you, it means that she is comfortable with you and doesn’t feel the need to hide, play games or put on a false front. She is natural and genuine and honesty can thrive in the relationship.
3. You are able to be yourself with her
Have you ever felt that you couldn’t be yourself with a woman because she would react negatively? That’s a sure sign that you are not comfortable enough with her to develop a genuine emotional connection. But when you find someone you can be completely honest with, it’s gold. When you can be yourself (bad habits and all) and she just laughs it off and accepts you anyway, you are developing a genuine connection.
4. She is affectionate
Most women love to be shown non-sexual affection such as a hug from behind, a kiss on the neck, or a back rub. So if your lady is doing these things for you, it’s a sign that she is content and secure in the relationship and is comfortable showing you affection. Be sure to return her affection to strengthen your emotional bond.
5. She does little things that she knows you like
When a woman cares deeply for you, she will do little things for you that she knows you like. Pay attention, because this is a clue that your relationship is meaningful to her. And when you do the same thing for her, she will really appreciate you noticing the small details about her. The little things strengthen your emotional connection. Often men think that they have to go to a lot of expense or trouble to impress a lady, but a genuine woman is just as appreciative of the little gestures as something big.
6. She pays you compliments
When a woman is developing a deeper connection with you, she will often express admiration or respect for you. Listen for her conversations with other people: Does she talk about you in positive ways? If she does, you can be sure she is emotionally attracted to you. Make sure you return her positive words!
7. She wants to be there for you
Life doesn’t always go smoothly. Health challenges, work problems or other issues can cast a cloud over relationships. But if you are going through a hard time and your lady wants to be there for you, it’s a sign that she is emotionally invested in you and in the relationship.
8. She wants to spend quality time with you
Building an emotional connection takes quality time. What is quality time? That looks different for each couple, but it’s engaging in activities that are meaningful to both people or in some way spending time together that builds emotional intimacy. Quality time is not getting into habits or routines such as spending all your free time together in front of the TV. When you do that, you are together but not engaging in a meaningful way that builds your relationship.
9. She cares about your family
A genuine woman will care about the things that matter to you. If that happens to be your family, she will treat them with courtesy, care and respect because they are an important part of your world.
Can Emotional Connection in Marriage Survive Smelly Socks?
Bad habits can be deadly for emotional intimacy. When a couple has been married for some time, it’s easy to allow routine, boredom or unhealthy habits to create emotional distance. Poor communication, hidden emotions, an emotionally unavailable spouse, lack of trust, and secrets are signs that a marriage is suffering from emotional distance.
If you feel that there is a lack of emotional connection in your relationship, try these tips:
1. Be intentional about spending time together.
2. Set rules around your time together such as no phones.
3. Work on becoming a safe person in your spouse’s life.
This means fighting fair, avoiding hurtful behaviour such as name-calling, and making a decision not to intentionally do something that will hurt your spouse.
4. Do little things that you know your spouse likes.
Send a text telling him you admire him or find him attractive. Get up early and make her favourite brew when she wakes up. The little things do a lot to strengthen emotional intimacy in a relationship.
5. Do something that stimulates conversation.
For example, read a book together and discuss it. Or make a regular time (without distractions) where you can talk about what’s happening in each other’s worlds.
6. Strike a balance between togetherness and independence.
Too much of either is not healthy. You each need to function as separate, whole individuals in order to have healthy togetherness. Finding the right balance between spending too much or not enough time together will keep your relationship healthy.
7. Attend a marriage enrichment event.
Many couples swear that these events help to maintain the sparkle in their relationships.
8. Make a list of things you enjoy doing or want to do and then be intentional about doing them together.
9. If your relationship is in deep trouble, consider seeking help.
This might mean that one of you goes to counselling if the other doesn’t want to; you can’t force a reluctant partner to go. This will do more harm than good. But counselling can be useful even if only one person goes because it can help you to deal with the emotional stress or distance. It can also help you to change direction if you have habits that are affecting the relationship.
Why You Should Have an Emotional Connection Before You Get Physical
For many women, feeling emotionally connected to their partner is crucial for them to enjoy sex. If your lady is not as enthusiastic about a romp under the sheets as you would like, try to connect with her emotionally first.
What does that look like and how do you make it happen?
1. Good communication is often the start of an emotional connection for women.
Be present and listen attentively while she talks; don’t allow distractions to come between the two of you. Ask questions about her day or seek her opinion on something. Show her that conversation with her is meaningful to you, too.
2. Pay attention to her attempts at connection
Partners often attempt emotional connection only to have the other person fail to recognize it for what it is. Be observant: Does she ask you a question that seems irritating or intrusive? Be careful not to dismiss it because she could be seeking to connect with you. Does she make a flirtatious comment or do something she knows will attract your attention? Paying attention to these subtle clues can help her to feel more emotionally connected to you and therefore, more likely to want sex.
3. Enter her world
When you are able to see things from your partner’s point of view, you build empathy and connection. Show her that you care about the things she’s going through by hugs, kind or tender words, or doing little things for her that she appreciates. Avoid the temptation to give advice or solve problems; that creates disconnection, even though it often seems like a logical thing for a man to do. By listening and caring (even if you have heard all about it lots of times), you empower her to work through the problem herself, even if it takes a long time.
4. Open up yourself
Good communication is not just listening; it is also opening up and being vulnerable yourself. Trust and connection are built when both parties reveal more about themselves, trusting the other person to treat that information with care and respect.
5. Let her know that you’ve got her back
Knowing that she is more important to you than anyone or anything else is crucial for a woman. Let her know that your loyalty lies with her and that she is your most important priority. She will feel safe in trusting you and it will strengthen your emotional bond. But don’t just say it once; find ways to show her how important she is to you and that you are there for her.
Most couples will enjoy better sex and a more satisfying love life once a strong emotional connection is in place. For men, sex is often the beginning of an emotional connection, but for many women, the emotional connection needs to come first before they feel sexually responsive. Couples that recognize this dynamic and get the balance right are the ones that enjoy thriving relationships.
What to do When a Guy Says there is no Connection
You’ve fallen for a guy who is perfect. You can see a blissful relationship stretching waaaayy into the future. The only problem is, he doesn’t seem to be on the same page. You’ve hung out a few times and you’re keen for more. But then he tells you that there’s no connection. What do you do now?
1. Respect, respect, respect
Yourself, that is. Respect yourself and him enough to back off. Trying to win him over with your enthusiasm or personality isn’t going to work and you don’t want to look back at this time in your life with shame or regret. Respect where he’s at and give him space.
2. Be observant
If he hasn’t actually come out and said that there’s no connection, that still gives you hope, right? Maybe, but pay attention to non-verbal cues that it’s time to back off. These might include:
- Ignoring your calls or text message
- Taking a long time to answer messages
- Being too busy to spend any time with you
- Always having other plans when you want to do something
- Refusing to engage in meaningful conversations about relationships or other things that matter to you
- Sending mixed messages: this could indicate that he is just being polite, doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or is genuinely confused about where he’s at right now (which probably doesn’t have anything to do with you).
3. Acknowledge feelings of hurt and rejection
Rejection sucks. Especially when you already have an emotional investment in a person or the hopes of a relationship. So the best thing to do is acknowledge your feelings. Grieve for what might have been, if you feel that you need to. Then give yourself permission to move on and live the best life you can, being the best version of yourself that you can be.
4. Repair the friendship
If you were friends before you fell for him, there’s no reason that your friendship has to end. Work on repairing the damage by being yourself, avoiding any mention of relationships or feelings for him, and being the best pal you can. If you feel that you can’t manage your feelings in a friendship setting, it’s probably best to back off for a while and give it some time. Eventually you will feel better and might feel like you can take up the friendship again.
5. Don’t burn your bridges
This is where respect comes in again. If you are mature, gracious and respectful, you will be able to back off without destroying any chances of a future relationship. Just because there is no connection now doesn’t mean that will always be the case. It could be that he is not ready for a relationship or the timing is wrong for other reasons. Keeping the door open could see something happen in the future if you handle it the right way now.
What Triggers Emotional Attraction in a Man?
Have you ever felt a connection with a man but you aren’t sure that he feels the same way? What causes a man to be emotionally attracted to a woman, anyway?
While each person is an individual, there are a few common things that make a man want more of a connection with a woman. Check them out:
1. You have a positive mindset
The way you see yourself has a big impact on the way the world around you sees you. A person with a positive mindset is happier, more relaxed and more confident than someone who is always second-guessing or doubting themselves. A fearful or negative mindset will show through in a person’s beliefs, words and actions, and many people avoid this type of person.
If you want to attract a great emotionally healthy man, be someone with a positive mindset and happy attitude. Everyone finds that attractive!
2. You are able to be present
A woman who is able to enjoy the present moment is attractive because she’s relaxed. Worrying or wondering about the future makes a woman appear tense and anxious and can be unattractive to a man.
3. You allow him to be a hero
Ladies, we know we are capable of doing anything we put our minds to. But our man has an inbuilt need to be a hero. Not a hero to just anyone, but a hero to his leading lady. When we step back and allow him to take the lead or do things for us, we are fulfilling this need for him. That’s attractive.
4. You leave a little mystery
When you know how to keep things fresh in your relationship, it makes your man want to know more. So don’t tell him everything there is to know about you. Leave little surprises for him to discover.
Don’t allow your relationship to become predictable and boring. That said, don’t become aloof or distant, either. Keep it interesting and alluring with a hint of mystery.
5. You show him respect and admiration
Respect spells love in a man’s world. Yes, they are two different things and men need both. But respect is extremely important to him.
He finds it attractive when you admire and respect him for who he is or his achievements. Passionate connection is more likely when both partners feel that the other person is making an effort to meet their needs.
How do You Develop Emotional Intimacy When You Also Want to Run Away?
A fear of emotional intimacy is common in relationships. It often stems from attachment issues in childhood or parenting styles that discouraged emotional expression and acknowledgment.
People who try to avoid emotional connection in a relationship often don’t recognize their connection issues.
However, if you have noticed that you struggle to maintain relationships or shut down when faced with the emotions of others, you could have a problem with emotional isolation, attachment, or emotional unavailability.
How do you develop an emotional connection?
Try these tips to become more emotionally aware and connect with your partner:
1. Avoid the temptation to run or get defensive
When your partner or a friend expresses a negative emotion, you might be tempted to get defensive, shut down or run away. Instead, stand your ground and be prepared to engage in spite of your uncomfortable feelings.
This shows the other person that you are willing to make an emotional connection, even if their negative emotions are directed towards you. See this as an opportunity to clear the air, grow your relationship and deepen your connection.
2. Learn to identify emotions
Many people with emotional connection issues struggle to identify their own or others’ emotions. Avoid the temptation to dismiss others’ concerns by telling them you are fine. Instead, acknowledge how you feel: “I’m struggling with talking about this stuff and I feel anxious.” Consider counselling or a support group that might help you to identify and process your emotions accurately, along with addressing your connection issues.
3. Work on your empathy skills
Empathy doesn’t often come naturally to people who struggle with emotional connection. They usually find it difficult to read or identify others’ emotions or place themselves in another person’s shoes. Practice your empathy skills by being observant around other people. Can you tell how someone close to you is feeling? Are you able to imagine what it might be like to be in their situation?
4. Make your relationships a priority
Avoid the temptation to allow work or your career to keep your partner or other people at arm’s length. It might feel safer not to be too involved or too close but it is not a satisfying relationship for your partner or other people. Even if your partner sticks with you, he or she is likely to find other things to occupy the space you should fill. And one day you could wake up and find that work was a poor substitute for genuine relationships and now you are alone, either physically or emotionally.
Don’t Miss Out on Emotional Connection!
Don’t be uncertain about whether you’re getting an emotional connection with someone special. Embrace the possibilities and try some of the tips in this guide to help you deepen your connection and strengthen your relationship.
If you are already in a relationship and you want to improve your emotional intimacy, imagine how that will feel: Like it did in the early days of your relationship.
Don’t settle for a dull relationship or be too fearful or hesitant to embrace the possibilities of a deep and meaningful connection with someone special.
Take steps to become more emotionally-savvy and don’t miss out on what could be the best thing you’ve ever done.
Originally published at https://healthymarriageblueprint.com on July 16, 2019.
